fanciful thinking

I recently made a huge mistake. I treated this blog, a public blog, like my diary, recording my every feeling, both conscious and subconscious, onto it without a second thought, and not deleting anything from the things I was typing. I realize this mistake, and I apologize for anything that I might have said, for any perceptions I might have changed, for any feelings I hurt. A post that initially started as a criticism at myself, and how I’ve learned to adapt, turned into a vicious attack onto others, something that I never anticipated for I didn’t even realize that I was feeling the things that I was typing. The vicious monster that was emerging from my innermost feelings had been previously unrecognized and unanticipated, so upon reading what I wrote, I was shocked and disappointed at myself. This attack was a result of rants that now I am wary of. I realize where I was (and am) at fault, I realize and recognize and have named the monsters and the skeletons that have been hiding in my closet, and I am resolved to change it. But until I can truly become the better person who I want to be (and until now, had truly believed myself to be) I’ve started another, secondary private blog, which I am going to update. If you really want to know every single thought that runs through my head, pretty or ugly, ask for the password, and I might give it to you.

Goodbye, tumblr #1. It was good knowing you. Maybe I can update you again, when I can shamelessly say the things going through my head (and things not going through my head as well), for they have all become positive thoughts. I hope that day will someday come, but until then I must say farewell.

If I feel up to it, I might transfer all of these posts onto the new private one, and delete them on this one. Who knows? Depends on my mood, I suppose (which a lot of things seem to revolve around). Or maybe I should leave all this crap on this one.. serve as a memory, a motivation..

train this ain’t goodbye

i will update this thing soon..

>< i NEED to update this thing soon. i have so much to write about! and so little time before my small brain loses all the info.

tumblr, i think we need to schedule a hot date together.

jocelyn ou is




more to-write!

relationships developed in class (sushi! econ!)




11/27, 7:32pm. UC APPLICATION TURNED IN! :D I was freaking out cause I was supposed to turn it in this afternoon, but the alumni game came around and I had to take my bro there and so I didn’t finish, and when I came back the system was crashing ALREADY. TOOOO intense. But it’s all good. I’M DONE WITH THIS!

But still not done w/ college apps ): which means that this is the end of this update. Poo.

After turning in my app, my parents let me go out. The one time I’m allowed to do something, I can’t find anyone to do things with.

How very sadly depressing.

Oh well. Star Trek was good (:


glee defying gravity

dear college apps,

please go die in a hole. thanks!


the senior class of 2010.

glee keep holding on

things i need to talk about when these things are done and over with: ticket, camping, glee, relationships, basketballfirefeet!

20 minutes early! how impressive.

It’s 11:40 pm, and I JUST turned in my Wuthering Heights lit circle essay.

Procrastination at its finest.

Yay for late night bonding, crazy conversations, and sleep-deprived madness.

fanfare black violin & whatever korean songs tiffany was playing.

gives me hope.

I haven’t written my Wuthering Heights essay yet, which is due on Tuesday, and I haven’t started studying for my chem test tomorrow yet. I have a million blog posts that I want to write, and a letter to Threnda to mail. Instead of doing all that, I’ve spent the past hour on and listening to Train.

Several years back, I passed by an elderly man with crutches hobbling onto an interstate on-ramp. I stopped and asked the man if I could give him a ride. He said “Yes, I’m just going to the next exit to visit my wife.” When I get to the next exit, I dropped him off at the cemetery. His neverending love GMH.

I was reading about a little kid whose mom told him the key to life was happiness. When he was in school the teacher asked them to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. He said happy. They said he didn’t understand the assignment. He said they didn’t understand life. My generation GMH

So worth it.

definitely an.. experience.

Last night, I broke my 3-year hiatus of abstaining from Halloween festivities, and went the whole shbang: getting all dressed (and slightly slutted) up (and i made my costume this year! took freaking FOREVER but it was worth it), eating free Chipotle, trick-or-treating, and (my first. yes, i’m socially inferior.) partying. (my night: skipping goodsam, chipotle dinner, kennedy trickortreating, chelsea’s postcandy preparty hangingout, ameya’s party, suzanne’s postparty movie hangingout, pooja/maayan’s respective droppingoff, home. gotta love driving.)

I’ve got to say, partying is.. interesting. Well, it’s definitely different than what I expected (which, in my mind, was people sitting on couches and listening to music and drinking beer and talking). Well, I guess I was right about the music and booze and crazy people in outfits parts, but I didn’t expect so many people there. And the lights off/freaking (is this a dance?). And the noise. And the crazy behavior of drunkards. And the smell. And the.. weed? I have no idea what they were doing in the backyard. But it definitely didn’t smell like alcohol.

I think everything that could have happened at a party happened last night, from the vomiting to the fighting to kicking people out (and, of course, the drinking). Other than the 5 minutes of dancing that took place on my part, I can honestly say that I was a wallflower for the entire time. Really, all my insecurities came out - I would NOT leave Chelsea/Maayan’s side for the entire night.

Not going to lie - before I went to the party, my brain ran through some scenarios of what might possibly happen. Getting drunk? Hooking up with someone? Meeting a dark handsome stranger? Who knows. Heh, fanciful thinking!

Well, all things aside, it was an interesting experience. Although, I probably had more fun asking for candy in the cold and going to Suzanne’s afterwards to eat candy/pizza and watch a movie (twilight? hahahaha never thought i’d watch that. although, now i’m considering reading the book! anyone want to lend it to me?)

Oh, Halloween. I wonder what Thanksgiving and Christmas this year will be like.. Just like Halloween, my holiday experiences haven’t been too lucrative (right word?) for the past few years. Maybe things will be different this year?

fanciful wishing..?

michael jackson this is it

yet another sytycyd post

Mr. Billy Bell is gone!

I’m not too fussed. I didn’t think he was all that great, until the judges hyped him up like crazy.

But who replaced him? (:BRANDON DUMLAO!

I’m so good at scoping out talent. I remember I was so sad when he was cut. But I guess he was the 11th best guy.

Anyways, I’M SO EXCITED FOR TONIGHT. This is going to be go-oooood. TEAM NATHANJAKOBBRANDON!

Oh, 8pm, come quicker. (although i probably won’t even watch it at 8. fingers crossed that it gets uploaded onto sidereel earlier!)